


Vegetables

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Parody, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-09
Updated: 2007-01-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 05:01:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10181246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Harry surprises Draco while the blonde is cooking, but things don't go quite to plan...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

**Disclaimer – They aren't mine, I just play with them.**

**Warning – As the title suggests, this story is firmly on the kinky end of the spectrum, and uses vegetables in a way you won't find described in any cookery book. Don't like it, don't read it. ConCrit is fine, but please don't flame me, I'll only laugh and delete the comment. And don't try this at home; if you do, and you get hurt, I accept no responsibility. Once again, there is no plot, only smut. Well, there's a basic plot, but I stress the _basic_. **

**For Genlisae, hope you enjoy it hun!**

 

 

Draco had no idea his boyfriend was home until he was grabbed firmly from behind and a talented mouth was nuzzling at his neck. He allowed himself a few moments of pleasure before trying to turn so he could admonish Harry, and finding he couldn't move.

"Harry! You startled me; I could have cut my hand off."

"I'd stick it back on with spellotape."

"Remind me again how exactly you passed the Healer exams?"

"I copied your answers. What's for dinner?"

"Roast chicken, mashed potatoes and vegetables."

Harry looked down at the chopping board, and saw the vegetables Draco was about to prepare. There were three carrots, two parsnips, and an obscenely large courgette.

"Draco, not that I'm accusing you of being obsessed or anything, but have you noticed that all the vegetables you eat have very phallic shapes?"

Draco spluttered, and looked down at the chopping board. Come to think of it, tonight's vegetables did look a little phallic, especially the rather large courgette which would give Draco's own cock a run for its money. Not Harry's though, but then again; what _would_ give the Saviour a run for his money in the bedroom department? Draco snapped out of his daydream when he noticed Harry's hand running up and down the length of the courgette.

"I think you're hinting with these vegetables."

"I don't follow?"

"You will. Hands on the counter baby, and put that knife down."

Draco did as he was told, and groaned as his jeans were undone and pushed down, allowing him to kick them across the kitchen while Harry's hand dipped into the butter tray, coming back slick and glistening and then disappearing from Draco's line of sight. It wasn't missing long though, and Draco moaned as one slick finger was slowly pushed inside of him, Harry's breathing controlled as it hit his neck.

"Har-ry…"

"Mmm, baby, does this feel good?"

"Yeah…"

Harry smiled, and began working his finger, opening Draco slowly and carefully until he could fit another finger in and begin scissoring. Draco had pushed his apron to the side, and was fisting himself in time with Harry's fingers, so the brunette pulled them out, eliciting a howl of need.

"No, baby, you have to wait until I tell you."

Draco nodded, and groaned as three fingers were pushed back inside him, working him quicker now; Harry's impatience to be inside him breaking through his resolve not to hurt Draco. When the fingers were retracted, Draco braced himself to be entered, and almost missed Harry's slick hand reaching into the butter again.

"What…oh Merlin."

Draco watched in open-mouthed horror as Harry's butter-slick hand began moving up and down the courgette, using the butter as lube before he picked it up and moved it round Draco's body, pressing it against Draco's entrance.

"Harry you can't…"

"I'm just fulfilling your obvious fantasy, darling."

Draco had no more words, the courgette that was now an inch deep in him had stolen them all away from him. Harry waited until his breathing had levelled off before pushing the courgette in deeper, going slowly and surely until it was buried in Draco and the blonde was writhing against the kitchen counter.

"Harry…"

"Baby?"

"Move."

Taking his boyfriend's words to heart, Harry began pumping the courgette in and out, starting slow while Draco acclimatised, and then speeding up, fucking his boyfriend hard as the blonde's hand snaked back to his erection, fisting it roughly as he moaned and called out to Harry and the gods. 

All too soon for his liking, Draco felt his orgasm curling inside him, getting tighter and tighter until there was nothing left to do but explode. The only thing louder than Draco's scream of pleasure as he came was a strange cracking noise. This cracking noise bought Draco back down to earth very quickly, and he turned his head to look at Harry.

"Please tell me that noise was you?"

His eyes wide in horror, Harry pulled out the courgette, minus the top inch. Draco took one look at the decapitated vegetable, and passed out against the counter. Harry stood looking at the courgette dumbly, but Draco was only out for a minute or so, and when he woke up, he exploded.

"YOU FUCKING MORON! I HAVE A PIECE OF COURGETTE RAMMED UP MY ARSE BECAUSE YOU ARE A DEPRAVED LITTLE FUCKER!"

"Draco calm down and…"

"I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO? HOW AM I GOING TO GET IT OUT? I CAN'T SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH A PIECE OF COURGETTE UP MY ARSE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I HATE YOU!"

"Don't say that Draco, I'll…"

"YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH! YOU'LL DO NO MORE! HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET IT OUT? I'LL HAVE TO GO INTO WORK AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW WHAT A DEPRAVED FUCKER YOU ARE AND THEY'LL HAVE TO PROBE ME TO GET IT OUT AND WHAT IF IT GET'S INFECTED AND I DIE! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FORCED ME TO HAVE SEX WITH A COURGETTE!"

"DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY!"

Harry's raised voice got Draco's attention away from his shrill ramblings, and he fixed Harry in a surly glare.

"First of all, I did not force you, I would never force you. Second of all, Draco Malfoy, you are a wizard!"

"Yes! I am a wizard with half a courgette up my arse!"

Harry rolled his eyes, and grabbed a handful of kitchen towels.

"Turn around."

"So you can stick something else up there?!"

"Oh no. I won't be sticking anything up there for a very long time, don't you worry about that. Now turn around!"

Draco turned around reluctantly, and felt Harry move behind him. Harry held the kitchen towel out and spoke loudly and clearly, as though he was teaching a spell to a four-year-old.

"Accio courgette."

Draco felt the chunk of vegetable shoot out of him, and the bin swing open and shut. He turned around slowly, and smiled sheepishly at Harry.

"Thank you."

"I should have made you cook it and eat it!"

Draco pouted, and Harry couldn't help it; he started laughing. The more indignant Draco looked, the harder Harry laughed, until he was clinging on to the oven just to stay upright.

"I'm glad this has amused you!"

"You… _heh_ …you're such… _hahaha_ …such a… _ha_ …drama queen!"

Draco tried to maintain the upper hand and the moral high ground, but then he caught sight of the remainder of the courgette on the kitchen table. Now he knew he wasn't going to have to face his colleagues with a piece of courgette lodged up his butt, he could kind of see the funny side.

"I panicked!"

Harry laughed, and wiped the tears of mirth out of his eyes. He crossed over to Draco and pulled the blonde into a loose hug, kissing the tip of his nose gently.

"OK. I promise that from now on I'll only put unbreakable things up your arse."

"What counts as unbreakable?"

"Dildos, butt plugs, my cock, the odd carrot…"

"HARRY!"


End file.
